The Curse of the Ancesters

Old and generally outdated discussions, with the rare hidden gem. Enter at your own risk.

Moderators: Haplo, Lead Developers

Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

The Curse of the Ancesters

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

THE CURSE OF THE ANCESTERS: BY SALEM HLAALU
Part I
In the evening of a such of an evening in a town at seven in the evening. Was at a perfect lowering sun saying goodnight to all. As all know when the sun is gone it is the darkness of the night. In the Town of Suran. The suns longs on the hill in the west. Lake Masobi has not looked as grand as you would think. The suns watrey image in the water made it looked like a beautiful oil painting. On the docks of Suran were two Dunmer Boys going to swim in the lake. their mothers were in the Suran Tradehouse doing last minute shopping. The boys started to go out far out into the lake. And soon the Sun left the Town saying goodnight. The mothers went out to find their boys. But did not find them. They were far out into the lake. And as soon the sun left the moon gave out its peircing light out on the town. One of the Dunmer boys were under the water. The boy found a
glimmering ring. The boy picked it up. And by the time he reached the surface he heard his moms call. And saw already his friend with his mom. He swam up to the dock and his mother held him tight. Then his mom told him to stay with her whenever. They looked foward to a long walk back home to the Dren Plantation. By the time they got hom it was 9:45 p.m.! The Boy with the ring headed to his bed and went to sleep. In his sleep he was dreaming. His dream started out very Beautiful. He dreamed he was in Vivec with his mom and his friend going to gp shopping. When the Boys Mom left the Boy and his friend went to play in the plants. But the Ordinator did not like that. He took the Boys Friend and cut his head off. Then the Boy woke up.


IF YOU LIKE THAT TELL ME TO WRITE PART II!
its just a story not real. I wanted to write a horror story!
User avatar
Mr. Sorry of Balmora
Posts: 0
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:14 pm

Post by Mr. Sorry of Balmora »

Wow i mean, WOW, this is creepeier than that movie about a ring and a well.

do part two

edit: spell check
Last edited by Mr. Sorry of Balmora on Mon Jun 13, 2005 8:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
Dexter
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 1654
Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 3:23 am
Location: Baltimore, MD

Post by Dexter »

...so why did the Ordinator decapitate the boy again?
"Hail Dexter."
-Yinnie

You REALLY don't want me to come back.
User avatar
Mr. Sorry of Balmora
Posts: 0
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:14 pm

Post by Mr. Sorry of Balmora »

apparently teir mist be something ti the plants that the ordinator(correct?) did not want found
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

Dexters answer

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

Well If you want to know part two then tell me to write part two. Cause every part adds up to the climax! So yes or No to write part Two?
User avatar
Dexter
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 1654
Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 3:23 am
Location: Baltimore, MD

Post by Dexter »

I mean, not even mentioning the grammar, this story doesn't hold together at all. Perhaps if you write more it will begin to make sense, but right now it's all just mumbo-jumbo to me.
"Hail Dexter."
-Yinnie

You REALLY don't want me to come back.
User avatar
Mr. Sorry of Balmora
Posts: 0
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:14 pm

Post by Mr. Sorry of Balmora »

part 2 please
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

Part two!

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

The Curse of the Ancestors: By Salem Hlaalu
Part Two

Introduction:
Our dreams our entirely our own… When we sleep we are to be like in our own little world that nobody can get into. What is the cause of these dreams? Nobody will exactly know. But many things can erupt dreams to cause. But many things can go on in the dreams that we cannot control!


Part Two:

The Boy woke up from his dream… When he was fully awake The Boy noticed the ring was glowing. He was scared. So he took the ring from his finger. But the ring refused to budge from the finger. So the boy screamed for his mother. And his mom came… His mom asked what was wrong. The Boy said his ring would not come off. The Mother told him to go back asleep. The Boy did as he was told. Then when he was back asleep. He was back in the dream. Continuing off from the dream he was originally in. His friend’s head rolled on the slab surface. The Boy watched in fear as the head kept on rolling. The Ordinator looked at the Boy and took off his helmet. The face was scared badly. The Boy had a leap of internal fear. Then The Boy woke up to the daylight. And saw the ring off from his finger. What is this dream going to end as?

PART THREE TOMARROW!
User avatar
Haplo
Lead Developer
Posts: 11651
Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 6:22 pm
Location: Celibacy

Post by Haplo »

You still havent given a reason for why the ordinator cut off the boys head.

Also, if an ordinator had just commited such an atrocity, he surely would not remove his helmet. He would keep it on, using the advantage of uniform to his advantage. If no one knew his identity, they would know only that it was an ordinator.

This would give the commiter of the crime a huge benefit.
Forum Administrator & Data Files Manager

[06/19/2012 04:15AM] +Cat table stabbing is apparently a really popular sport in morrowind

[August 29, 2014 04:05PM] <+Katze> I am writing an IRC bot! :O
[August 29, 2014 04:25PM] *** Katze has quit IRC: Z-Lined
User avatar
Thrignar Fraxix
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 10644
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 10:30 pm
Location: Silnim
Contact:

Post by Thrignar Fraxix »

It is a dream remember
Reviewing Administrator
Morrowind Reviews: 1640
Completed MW Interiors: 29

The just man frowns, but never sneers. We can understand anger, but not malevolence - Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power - Brutus, Julius Caesar

Fun is bad - Haplo
User avatar
Majra
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 1871
Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2004 3:23 am
Location: Darvulk Haven Elsweyr
Contact:

Post by Majra »

yea but you cant just use the excuse of "its a dream" Writers write to mean something. It cant just be random like it is currently. If there is symbolism or meaning beyond it then its another thing, but those things need to be made more clear as it is now.
R:6 I:22 N:30
Screw it, I'm back for sweet sweet TR

Uldar Gerzae: Expect no dodgeballs out of my arse. Though if something were to shoot out of me nether regions it mgiht be wise to dodge it all the same
The_Writing_Wraith
Member
Posts: 89
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2004 11:40 pm
Location: The Nebraska Wastes

Post by The_Writing_Wraith »

What exactly is going on? Why is this called the Curse of the Ancestors?

Please at least hint at something involving a curse and an ancestor or two somewhere; mysteries are no fun if the author doesn't leave any clues to find!

Also, if you are going to write horror, use strong sense imagery and remember that the lack of details at certain points can be far more effective on the reader than large amounts of detail.

Another suggestion, if you plan to continue to work on this (and I think there may be a worth while story here eventually) change the name of the author. All books for TR are supposed to be written by a persona from the game's universe, so Salem whould not work as a name for an author with a Dunmer last name.

Finally, please, please, please(!) look over the grammer for this! Preferably once you've had a little time away from it and then see if you can make it more coherent.
In the 550's Byzantine Generals Narses and Liberius were winning battles into their 80's. Retirement programs, though no longer including raping and pillaging, have clearly improved since.
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

The Curse of the Ancestors Incite.

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

Well I have tried so far to bring out the meaning of the story so far. The Boy has caused dreams because of a ring. And maybe this ring may be tied with this Ordinator causing havoc. So I will try to sum it out in Part Three. And the Curse is very noticible. I cannot believe you guys dont understand!
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

The Curse of the Ancestors Incite.

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

Oh and another thing. I do have a little problem with grammar. And if you dont mind I would like help. I have Ideas and people can help me with the story. The Storyline cannot change. The grammar. Not the spelling. That I can change myself cause I am a excellent speller but when I am typing fast I cannot control it. Just bear with me. But If I change my name I change my screenname. SO yea. My name cannot be changed. And Salem Hlaalu is a good name. In my game my guys name is Salem. And also He is part of Hlaalu house. I thought with no last name I brought out Salem Hlaalu. So there. If anyones hates my name that badly tell me please. Then sugfgerstions for a new cool name. Thank you for your cooperation.
Salem Hlaalu
User avatar
Graff
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 203
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2004 8:53 am
Location: Sheffield, UK. Home of steel and, er, me.
Contact:

Post by Graff »

As much as I've tried, I cannot get a feel to this story, take the time to think of the readers, and what style the language of the story should take. Re-write the first part at least. Don't repeat yourself, and be original.

Graff.
[Maybe Not]Done With TR[Quite Yet]
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

Thank you

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

I will maybe rewrite the first one. Thank you Heres the Part Three!



**************************************************************************

The Curse of the Ancestors: By Salem Hlaalu
PART THREE-

Introduction-
A long time not long after Indoril House was claimed to be a new house by the order of Warrior-Poet, Lord Vivec. The creation of the Ordinators was also the idea by Lady Almalexia. The idea to make these Ordinators was for them to be brutal, cruel, and powerful. These Ordinators obeyed every command given to them without question. Lord Vivec noticed a little problem with these Ordinators. Only except one of them. One Ordinator who did not listen to the Leaders commands was Therth. He was the most extremely powerful Ordinator in his Battalion. What big problem that Vivec had with Therth was his attentions were completely different from all the other Ordinators. The Ordinators will was to uphold the law, and justice prevails. But this Ordinator had a consumed twisted mind of Evil. Therth bore a ring. Not an Ordinary Ring. But the Ring was called the Ring of the Ancestors. Apparently Therth created this ring. In secret within his secret Chambers deep under water beneath the Cantons of Vivec. He was creating this ring so all the world will see of his unnatural chaos. He used also this ring to bind others of their mind. So he controlled them. When Vivec found out that Therth had this ring of unnatural power. He banished him but not the ring. The ring was in the waters of Vivec. Therth was banished to Oblivion where he would wait to someone to use the ring to make his return. The Evil Ordinator Waits Lustfully for Revenge. Vivec will pay. The ring after time was getting old and unknowledgeable. Until fishermen of Vivec came to get fish from the waters of Vivec. A fish ate the ring and soon the ring was soon taken to Vivec and soon moved to Suran. Some leftovers were moved to Suran. And some fish were released. But the fish that ate the ring coughed up the ring and remained in the waters for a victim to pick it up.

PART THREE:

The boy woke up. His mom called him for Breakfast. As The boy his Mom and Dad sat down to eat their breakfast the boy had said he had something to explain. He told them his weird dream. His Dad said it was nothing to worry about cause dreams are not real. His Mom said whatever you were dreaming as to what your dad said, dreams are not based on real life. It is just our imagination. His mom finally said that the boy and his friend are going with her to Vivec to do some shopping. Finally. The Boy got a jolt of a fright and remembered that what he dreamed was not real. The Boy went back to his room and he got dressed. When he was done he stared at the glimmering ring that caught his attention. The ring put voices in his head. The Boy kept on yelling GO AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! The boy ran rampantly across his room and started tearing up his room. His Mom came in and set him down on his Bed. She asked what was wrong with him. He said voices are coming into his mind and is forcing him to do something that he did not want to do. She asked what did the voices ask? The Boy replied, They told me top kill dad. She stared at him as though if he already did. And she said… Its just your imagination. Finish getting ready and meet me at the cart outside. The boy got his shoes, and went outside. The boy was on for a long drive to Vivec. Finally after four hours. The Boy and his friend, along with the boys mom. Went into Foreign Quarter Plaza. The Boy looked around he saw no Ordinators in sight. The Mom said to the Boys to wait outside while she gets gardening tools from the smithy. The Boy and his friend were standing and were bored after that long ride. So the Boy and his friend played. And they played with a ball. The ball went into the Plants over on left of them. The Boys friend went in and got the Ball. And in the sudden in comes a Ordinator full of rage. The Ordinator unsheathed his Sword and had his arm up high. The Mom came out from the smithy and saw the Ordinator going towards the two boys. She raced towards them. The Ordinator saw her and raced to her and cut her head off. The two boys screamed. And ran towards the exit of the foreign quarter plaza. The Boy wanted to know why he was being chased by the Ordinator! They ran down the Canton. And soon found they were lost. The Ordinator could have been anywhere. Only place to go was in the sewer. The two boys went in the sewer and found a small area where the can crawl under and hide. The Boy told his friend he dreamed of a similar thing. So the Boy told his friend of his dream. And the friend is convinced that the ring could be the problem. Then the Ordinator came out from the surface and in the sewer. The Ordinator yelled their names. And said their heads will be made a perfect part of his collection. Then out of nowhere came a cloaked warrior from the water and unsheathed his sword and stabbed the Ordinator to death. And unmasked him. It was not Therth. It was a ordinary Ordinator. And as what markings was shown on the ring the Boy saw was on his hand. The cloaked man told the boys to come to look at the Ordinator. The Boys were happy they were not going to die. But the man wanted to know why this Ordinator was trying to kill them. The Boy said It may be cause he has the ring. The man asked, What ring? The Boys explained that the ring marked them to be killed and the ring to be taken. The cloaked man said he would drive them home. And when he was home the cloaked man said that this ring must be destroyed. This mans curse must be eliminated. I will leave. Watch yourself boy. And make sure if you in trouble run far away and stay away from harm. The boy agreed. When the Cloaked man left the boys went home. And went to bed. The Boy then had another dream. It was back at the mans cart. He was driving. Then a robed Ordinator came from behind him on a horse and cut his head off. The Boy woke and found the ring at his side.

PART FOUR COMING SOON!

If this sums the story up so far, good… I want to know that. But Part Four will be getting ready for part five the end. So get ready. And I will have another book called “ THE WRITING ON THE WALLâ€Â￾ COMING SOON another Morrowind Tale I am writing. And this maybe better than the CURSE OF THE ANCESTORSâ€Â￾
Salem Hlaalu
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

Thank you

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

I will maybe rewrite the first one. Thank you Heres the Part Three!



**************************************************************************

The Curse of the Ancestors: By Salem Hlaalu
PART THREE-

Introduction-
A long time not long after Indoril House was claimed to be a new house by the order of Warrior-Poet, Lord Vivec. The creation of the Ordinators was also the idea by Lady Almalexia. The idea to make these Ordinators was for them to be brutal, cruel, and powerful. These Ordinators obeyed every command given to them without question. Lord Vivec noticed a little problem with these Ordinators. Only except one of them. One Ordinator who did not listen to the Leaders commands was Therth. He was the most extremely powerful Ordinator in his Battalion. What big problem that Vivec had with Therth was his attentions were completely different from all the other Ordinators. The Ordinators will was to uphold the law, and justice prevails. But this Ordinator had a consumed twisted mind of Evil. Therth bore a ring. Not an Ordinary Ring. But the Ring was called the Ring of the Ancestors. Apparently Therth created this ring. In secret within his secret Chambers deep under water beneath the Cantons of Vivec. He was creating this ring so all the world will see of his unnatural chaos. He used also this ring to bind others of their mind. So he controlled them. When Vivec found out that Therth had this ring of unnatural power. He banished him but not the ring. The ring was in the waters of Vivec. Therth was banished to Oblivion where he would wait to someone to use the ring to make his return. The Evil Ordinator Waits Lustfully for Revenge. Vivec will pay. The ring after time was getting old and unknowledgeable. Until fishermen of Vivec came to get fish from the waters of Vivec. A fish ate the ring and soon the ring was soon taken to Vivec and soon moved to Suran. Some leftovers were moved to Suran. And some fish were released. But the fish that ate the ring coughed up the ring and remained in the waters for a victim to pick it up.

PART THREE:

The boy woke up. His mom called him for Breakfast. As The boy his Mom and Dad sat down to eat their breakfast the boy had said he had something to explain. He told them his weird dream. His Dad said it was nothing to worry about cause dreams are not real. His Mom said whatever you were dreaming as to what your dad said, dreams are not based on real life. It is just our imagination. His mom finally said that the boy and his friend are going with her to Vivec to do some shopping. Finally. The Boy got a jolt of a fright and remembered that what he dreamed was not real. The Boy went back to his room and he got dressed. When he was done he stared at the glimmering ring that caught his attention. The ring put voices in his head. The Boy kept on yelling GO AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! The boy ran rampantly across his room and started tearing up his room. His Mom came in and set him down on his Bed. She asked what was wrong with him. He said voices are coming into his mind and is forcing him to do something that he did not want to do. She asked what did the voices ask? The Boy replied, They told me top kill dad. She stared at him as though if he already did. And she said… Its just your imagination. Finish getting ready and meet me at the cart outside. The boy got his shoes, and went outside. The boy was on for a long drive to Vivec. Finally after four hours. The Boy and his friend, along with the boys mom. Went into Foreign Quarter Plaza. The Boy looked around he saw no Ordinators in sight. The Mom said to the Boys to wait outside while she gets gardening tools from the smithy. The Boy and his friend were standing and were bored after that long ride. So the Boy and his friend played. And they played with a ball. The ball went into the Plants over on left of them. The Boys friend went in and got the Ball. And in the sudden in comes a Ordinator full of rage. The Ordinator unsheathed his Sword and had his arm up high. The Mom came out from the smithy and saw the Ordinator going towards the two boys. She raced towards them. The Ordinator saw her and raced to her and cut her head off. The two boys screamed. And ran towards the exit of the foreign quarter plaza. The Boy wanted to know why he was being chased by the Ordinator! They ran down the Canton. And soon found they were lost. The Ordinator could have been anywhere. Only place to go was in the sewer. The two boys went in the sewer and found a small area where the can crawl under and hide. The Boy told his friend he dreamed of a similar thing. So the Boy told his friend of his dream. And the friend is convinced that the ring could be the problem. Then the Ordinator came out from the surface and in the sewer. The Ordinator yelled their names. And said their heads will be made a perfect part of his collection. Then out of nowhere came a cloaked warrior from the water and unsheathed his sword and stabbed the Ordinator to death. And unmasked him. It was not Therth. It was a ordinary Ordinator. And as what markings was shown on the ring the Boy saw was on his hand. The cloaked man told the boys to come to look at the Ordinator. The Boys were happy they were not going to die. But the man wanted to know why this Ordinator was trying to kill them. The Boy said It may be cause he has the ring. The man asked, What ring? The Boys explained that the ring marked them to be killed and the ring to be taken. The cloaked man said he would drive them home. And when he was home the cloaked man said that this ring must be destroyed. This mans curse must be eliminated. I will leave. Watch yourself boy. And make sure if you in trouble run far away and stay away from harm. The boy agreed. When the Cloaked man left the boys went home. And went to bed. The Boy then had another dream. It was back at the mans cart. He was driving. Then a robed Ordinator came from behind him on a horse and cut his head off. The Boy woke and found the ring at his side.

PART FOUR COMING SOON!

If this sums the story up so far, good… I want to know that. But Part Four will be getting ready for part five the end. So get ready. And I will have another book called “ THE WRITING ON THE WALLâ€Â￾ COMING SOON another Morrowind Tale I am writing. And this maybe better than the CURSE OF THE ANCESTORSâ€Â￾
Salem Hlaalu
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

Retyping Part One...

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

I hope part one can be in sense now. Cause I added a few things and I did keep it original. So I hope this will do! :)
Salem Hlaalu
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

Retyping Part One...

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

oops sorry I meant it to be in the other thing but I said submit so here it is!!!

THE CURSE OF THE ANCESTERS: BY SALEM HLAALU
Part I
In the evening of a such of an evening in a town at seven in the evening. Was at a perfect lowering sun saying goodnight to all. As all know when the sun is gone it is the darkness of the night. In the Town of Suran. The suns longs on the hill in the west. Lake Masobi has not looked as grand as you would think. The suns watrey image in the water made it looked like a beautiful oil painting. On the docks of Suran were two Dunmer Boys going to swim in the lake. their mothers were in the Suran Tradehouse doing last minute shopping. The boys started to go out far out into the lake. And soon the Sun left the Town saying goodnight. The mothers went out to find their boys. But did not find them. They were far out into the lake. And as soon the sun left the moon gave out its peircing light out on the town. One of the Dunmer boys were under the water. The boy found a
glimmering ring. The boy picked it up. And by the time he reached the surface he heard his moms call. And saw already his friend with his mom. He swam up to the dock and his mother held him tight. Then his mom told him to stay with her whenever. They looked foward to a long walk back home to the Dren Plantation. By the time they got hom it was 9:45 p.m.! The Boy with the ring headed to his bed and went to sleep. In his sleep he was dreaming. His dream started out very Beautiful. He dreamed he was in Vivec with his mom and his friend going to gp shopping. When the Boys Mom left the Boy and his friend went to play in the plants. But the Ordinator did not like that. He took the Boys Friend and cut his head off. Then the Boy woke up.
Salem Hlaalu
User avatar
Dexter
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 1654
Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 3:23 am
Location: Baltimore, MD

Post by Dexter »

A few things:
First, don't post the same thing twice in a row.
Second, if your grammar suffers when you write quickly, then you need to write slowly and pay attention to your grammar. The grammar in this piece is atrocious, and it will not even be considered until it is fixed. We will not fix the grammar for you.
Third...
This story makes absolutely no sense.
And no, it's not because I'm stupid and the plot somehow escapes my simple mind. This story has no coherent flow. Things just happen out of nowhere, for no reason. For every cause there is an effect, keep that in mind when you write, because this story lacks that relationship.
Last edited by Dexter on Tue Jun 14, 2005 2:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Hail Dexter."
-Yinnie

You REALLY don't want me to come back.
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

I dont understand One BIT!

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

What the heck. I have a creativce mind and I will have someone help me. Whoever loves my story will willingly like to help me with my story so sorry being to creative while I am shifting I deas to create A FRICKING MASTERPIECE!!!!!!!!!!!


sorry I am getting to mad now. I should calm down :(
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

I dont understand One BIT!

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

To all People who would like to revise my story and help me out. Not to change the story but to make it better! Thank You. I will be grateful! :)
User avatar
Dexter
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 1654
Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 3:23 am
Location: Baltimore, MD

Post by Dexter »

There is an edit button under each of your posts. Instead of posting several times in a row, post once. If you think of something new, edit your post and add it. Posting several times in a row leads to threads getting locked.
"Hail Dexter."
-Yinnie

You REALLY don't want me to come back.
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

whatever

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

I will keep that in mind dexter. I just wonder when i will eventually need that. I am in peace writing my new story. and soon you can review it. i will make sure grammar problem will be fixed (MAYBE IT DEPENDS WHAT IAMN IN!) And dexter my original story (THE CURSE OF THE ANCESTERS) is not in final form yet can you get that. I am writing it to get peopoles ideas on the next part what should I write. I think I said that did I? So keep your lectures until I am doing the final. SO be patient. DONT do this to me now. I am too stressed. So STOP until I saw I am working on the final okay?

**************************************************************************
People I will have all stories all together soon. and I hope you will be ready. and for all of you editors can help me what can be done to help my story out THANK You! :)
Anonymous

Post by Anonymous »

A good place to start would be renaming it the Curse of the Ancestors
User avatar
Nemon
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 2459
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2003 3:42 pm
Location: Bergen

Post by Nemon »

I think Dexter should be awarded for beeing patient with you... If your text "THE CURSE OF THE ANCESTERS" isn't in final form, you should stop posting numerous posts about it, and stop demanding help from others regarding ideas and grammar. I suggest that you finish the story, check for grammar and spelling errors, then post it. The reason you haven't been recieving helpful replies is that your story is half done... and your temper isn't helping either.
SIGILLVM COMMVNITATIS DE CIVITATE BERGENSI
User avatar
Sload
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 6358
Joined: Sun Feb 06, 2005 9:16 pm

Post by Sload »

Um...I'm not an expert or anything, but you really might be better to abandon this idea. It's based, as can be seen from the third part, on some lore breaking ideas.
[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nabO_UXb6MM]This is not my life[/url]
Anonymous

Post by Anonymous »

Not to mention that you cannot string together a cohesive sentence, let alone a plot line.
User avatar
Graff
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 203
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2004 8:53 am
Location: Sheffield, UK. Home of steel and, er, me.
Contact:

Post by Graff »

Take the time to stop and read your work back to yourself, some of it does simply not make sense, and other parts are blatently out of context with TR and Morrowind. Perhaps planning your work out ahead of writing it would help.

Graff.
[Maybe Not]Done With TR[Quite Yet]
User avatar
Haplo
Lead Developer
Posts: 11651
Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 6:22 pm
Location: Celibacy

Post by Haplo »

And the big reference to the Lord of the Rings in the third story doesn't help either. Really. An ordinator, really powerful, goes bad, creates this evil and powerful ring to control others and spread chaos? A ring found much later under water, with two boys, one of them dying because his friend had found the ring. That's pretty much rewording Tolkien's 'The One Ring' plot.

So anyway, since I'm feeling a tad bit sorry for you, I'll edit your story for you, so that people can see it all in one post, and can read it in proper English, with proper spelling.
---

Curse of the Ancestor Ring
By an unknown Hlaalu author

Part I

It was evening, and such an evening it was! The town of Suran basked in the glory of the setting sun, wishing a good night upon all. The Lake Masobi looked grander than anyone could ever possibly imagine. The sun's watery image caused it to appear as if it were a beautiful oil painting.
On the docks of Suran, two Dunmer boys were enjoying the beauty of the setting sun, and were taking a quick swim in the lake. Their mothers were doing a bit of last minute shopping in the Suran Tradehouse. The two young boys enjoyed themselves immensely, and soon were far out into the center of the lake.
As the sun started to slowly drift behind the mountains, giving way to darkness, the two mothers walked complacently out to the dock to call their young boys back home to supper.

However, the boys were too far out into the lake, and could not hear their mothers beckoning and calling to them. They eventually drifted back over towards the dock, to the relief of the mothers. One of the boys suddenly saw a glimmering under the water, and dove deep under the water, to determine what the glimmering was.
The boy gasped with amazement as he saw a beautiful golden ring, unmarred by the sands and waters of the lake, resting on a rock, far underwater.
The boy quickly grabbed it, and kicked his young legs back up to the surface.

By the time he reached the surface, his friend had already reached the dock, and was walking away with his mother. He swam up to the dock as fast as he could. When he sat down on the dock, his mother threw a towel over him and rigorously rubbed him dry, and held him tight. He looked foward to the long, relaxed, walk back home to Dren Plantation. When they had finally reached the plantation, the moon was high in the sky, emitting a pale light, to guide twilight travellers home. As the entered his dwelling, he ran upstairs to his bed and quickly fell asleep.

Little did he know, his dream would soon turn into a nightmare of unprecedented proportions.

He dreamed that he was in Vivec, with his mother and friend, shopping in the Foreign Quarter. When the young boy's mother left him and his friend outside the alchemist's shop, they decided to play a game of tag in the large plants nearby. The ordinator on duty walked over, seeming quite mad. He then did something that would stay clear and imprinted in the boy's mind forever. He took the young Dunmer's friend and crushed his head into a bloody pulp with his mace, and walked off. The young boy started screaming, and crying. But then the boy woke, panting heavily into the darkness of the night.
---
Forum Administrator & Data Files Manager

[06/19/2012 04:15AM] +Cat table stabbing is apparently a really popular sport in morrowind

[August 29, 2014 04:05PM] <+Katze> I am writing an IRC bot! :O
[August 29, 2014 04:25PM] *** Katze has quit IRC: Z-Lined
User avatar
Túrelio
Developer
Posts: 934
Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2004 1:10 am
Location: Georgia, USA
Contact:

Post by Túrelio »

By the Three! Is it me or did I just skim over some of most out-of-lore stuff here on the Ordinators? I could be wrong... I will take a closer look at this when I get back but alot of that goes against Ordinator Lore, ALOT. Be prepared...
My Art: [url]http://demi-urgic.deviantart.com/[/url]
Guest

Cool story!!!! :)

Post by Guest »

hey like Salem. Your story is so rad. I like read it such and it si so frikin' cool. Like change it a bit. Exceptionally the third one. Like O K? : O So I liked when HAPLO CHANGED IT IT MADE SENSE BUT YOU ARE A WRITER AND I KNOW SO I AM WONDERING WHY DID YOU GET L.O.T.R (THE ONE RING) CONCEPT?
User avatar
Dexter
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 1654
Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 3:23 am
Location: Baltimore, MD

Post by Dexter »

Salem Hlaalu, don't create a new account for yourself just to try and trick us. We have an IP scanning function, we know who you are. And calm down, accept criticism better. We don't need ego-mainacs running around our boards.
"Hail Dexter."
-Yinnie

You REALLY don't want me to come back.
Zephyr
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 1026
Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 5:25 am
Contact:

Post by Zephyr »

Dear Salem,

I will personally take care of banning you and your ip range from this site if you don't stop spamming these forums with the stories you apply no grammar or self-critique to, bothering me with having to delete multiple accounts and generally just acting like a retarded 5-year old.

Love,
zephyr.
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

sorry

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

I want to be a good member. I try. But the story is done. Here it is. I am sorry for my stupidness. I was only expresing my concern, my ideas and etc. I am sorry. So here is the finished story. And for anyone who wants to read it. Fine. Someoner write me if it is good or not. Then after that I am putting this story to rest.

Curse of the Ancestor Ring
By an unknown Hlaalu author

Part I: The Beginning

It was evening, and such an evening it was! The town of Suran basked in the glory of the setting sun, wishing a good night upon all. The Lake Masobi looked grander than anyone could ever possibly imagine. The sun's watery image caused it to appear as if it were a beautiful oil painting.
On the docks of Suran, two Dunmer boys were enjoying the beauty of the setting sun, and were taking a quick swim in the lake. Their mothers were doing a bit of last minute shopping in the Suran Tradehouse. The two young boys enjoyed themselves immensely, and soon were far out into the center of the lake.
As the sun started to slowly drift behind the mountains, giving way to darkness, the two mothers walked complacently out to the dock to call their young boys back home to supper.

However, the boys were too far out into the lake, and could not hear their mothers beckoning and calling to them. They eventually drifted back over towards the dock, to the relief of the mothers. One of the boys suddenly saw a glimmering under the water, and dove deep under the water, to determine what the glimmering was.
The boy gasped with amazement as he saw a beautiful golden ring, unmarred by the sands and waters of the lake, resting on a rock, far underwater.
The boy quickly grabbed it, and kicked his young legs back up to the surface.

By the time he reached the surface, his friend had already reached the dock, and was walking away with his mother. He swam up to the dock as fast as he could. When he sat down on the dock, his mother threw a towel over him and rigorously rubbed him dry, and held him tight. He looked forward to the long, relaxed, walk back home to Dren Plantation. When they had finally reached the plantation, the moon was high in the sky, emitting a pale light, to guide twilight travelers home. As the entered his dwelling, he ran upstairs to his bed and quickly fell asleep.

Little did he know his dream would soon turn into a nightmare of unprecedented proportions.

He dreamed that he was in Vivec, with his mother and friend, shopping in the Foreign Quarter. When the young boy's mother left him and his friend outside the alchemist's shop, they decided to play a game of tag in the large plants nearby. The Ordinator on duty walked over, seeming quite mad. He then did something that would stay clear and imprinted in the boy's mind forever. He took the young Dunmer's friend and crushed his head into a bloody pulp with his mace, and walked off. The young boy started screaming, and crying. But then the boy woke, panting heavily into the darkness of the night.

Finally morning had come. The sun returned and shown it was a new day for all to experience. The boy slowly opened his eyes, and got up and rubbed his eyes. That dream he last night had made him ponder what was the cause of that terrible dream. The boy had no clue what was the problem. His mother came to tell him breakfast was ready. The boy got out of bed and made his way to the kitchen. This morning they were having scrib jelly, and toast. As the boy was eating his mom gave his son a glass of water. She asked him if he slept all right. The boy replied that he had a terrible night. She told him what was wrong. He told his mom about that dream he had. She told him it was nothing to worry about. The boy felt happy about his mom’s advice.
Later on in the afternoon, it was getting cloudy. The boy was wondering if he could go outside. The Boy went to find his mom to ask if he could go outside. He found his mom in the kitchen but what he saw really got him scared. He remembered from his dream his friend’s face was beaten by the mace of the Ordinator, and he saw that beaten face he saw on his friend on his mom! He ran out of the House and headed to find a guard. He finally found a guard and showed him to his mom. The guard told him to pack his things and to find the boy to sleep for the night until they find a family to take care of him. The boy packed his clothes, and the ring. The Boy headed back outside to find the Guard. The Guard had a cart ready to go to Suran. The Boy informed the Guard he had a friend in Suran he could stay with. The Guard agreed and they were there in time for supper.
Finally time for bed the boy was shown to his room by his friend’s mom. The boy had put on his robes and went to sleep.
Deep into the night the Boy awoke to a storm. The Boy went downstairs and found the door open. He ran out and found the guard who rescued him, headless. He went to the body and found a ring like what the boy had. He was scared. He took the ring off the guard’s finger. The boy was going back inside when he heard a man walking behind him. It was the Ordinator. He took out his mace and silver long sword and headed after the boy. He went inside and up the stairs he went. The Boy saw writing in blood on the walls as he went up the stairs saying. YOU CAN’T ESCAPE, YOU WILL DIE! The Boy saw more writing on the wall in front of him when he was off from the stairs.
MAY OUR LORDS BE MERCIFUL! The boy ran into the friend’s mother’s room. He looked at her and she was already bludgered by the mace. The boy went outside of the room and found the Ordinator was right in front of him. The Boy ran back into the room and found a door that lead outside. The Ordinator caught the boy. And held him by the neck. The Boy tried to scream. But if he struggled he would be strangled. He kicked the Ordinator really hard in the chest, and then the Ordinators grasp on the boy was released. When the Ordinator was fine the boy was far enough he quit running after him. The boy found an empty boat along the docks and hid in the boat and had slept through the night.

Part Two: A Decision

The boy saw the morning sun as his young eyes awoke. He sat up. Still at the port, the boy arises and heads to his friends house. The Boy went up the stairs in the house. Found the walls all clean of the writing. He went to the mom’s bedroom. Her body was still the same. The sheets were all bloody now. Then he set himself to see his friend. He opened the door, and found his friend still sleeping. He went over to his friend, and woke him up. His eyes beamed at the boy and woke up. The boy’s friend asked what was wrong. The Boys was scared to tell him what happened. He told his friend about what happened last night. The friend was sad. The Boy was surprised to hear what his friend had to say. His friend replied that they are to go to Vivec immediately. The boy agreed, and they went off. The two friends went off to go for the journey to Vivec. They got into a cart. And they were escorted. When finally the Journey was over. The two Boys got off the cart, and looked over to Vivec Foreign Quarter. The Boy replied. Will we survive? And his friend told him maybe they would. They went up the canton. And went into the Plaza. They saw no Ordinator on duty. The ring suddenly glowed. The two boys gazed at it. And suddenly they heard footsteps, and behind them was the Ordinator. They tried to run. But the Ordinator caught them by the collars of their shirts. The Ordinator threw them down to the hard ground. The Ordinator had then casted a recall spell. Then the boys and the Ordinator were in a graveyard. The Ordinator knew they could not run now. So he tied them both up. The Ordinator gave questions to the two boys. The first question the Ordinator asked is where the boys found the first ring. The Boy answered. He told him he found it in Lake Masobi. The Ordinator looked at the boy. Then he asked where they found the second one? The Boy said again on the body of the Guard who escorted me here! The Ordinator told them that those two rings hold two separate uses. The ring the boy had was the Ancestor Ring. That particular Ring brings all those they care about really much to death. The ring that Guard had was the Ring of Revenge. Now that ring uses are not to be described. Now the Ordinator begged back for the return of his ring. The boy said no, and the boy got loose and found a sword behind the Ordinator. The boy picked it up, and he cut the Ordinators head off. As the head rolled, the boy had thrown the ring to the ground. The boy told his friend the worst is over.

The End.
User avatar
Dexter
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 1654
Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 3:23 am
Location: Baltimore, MD

Post by Dexter »

I still don't understand why an Ordinator, one of the most holy and devout warriors in Morrowind, would decide to terrorize a boy. If the ring brings death to all the boy cares about, why did his friend survive? The Ordinator tied them up, and even if they were running free, an Ordinator could fry a child with magic instantly.
And just how did the boy manage to get free, find a sword that just happened to be there, and behead the fully-armored Ordinator without the Ordinator stepping on him and grinding him to pulp? It makes no sense.
"Hail Dexter."
-Yinnie

You REALLY don't want me to come back.
Anonymous

Post by Anonymous »

I understand why my post was deleted, I was busy adding proof when it was. I was given permission to write a scathing review...

Lets just say I wish to see this in the game as an easter egg.
User avatar
Túrelio
Developer
Posts: 934
Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2004 1:10 am
Location: Georgia, USA
Contact:

Post by Túrelio »

I hope you are not planning on using that backstory of an evil Ordinator thingy, this:
Introduction-
A long time not long after Indoril House was claimed to be a new house by the order of Warrior-Poet, Lord Vivec. The creation of the Ordinators was also the idea by Lady Almalexia. The idea to make these Ordinators was for them to be brutal, cruel, and powerful. These Ordinators obeyed every command given to them without question. Lord Vivec noticed a little problem with these Ordinators. Only except one of them. One Ordinator who did not listen to the Leaders commands was Therth. He was the most extremely powerful Ordinator in his Battalion. What big problem that Vivec had with Therth was his attentions were completely different from all the other Ordinators. The Ordinators will was to uphold the law, and justice prevails. But this Ordinator had a consumed twisted mind of Evil. Therth bore a ring. Not an Ordinary Ring. But the Ring was called the Ring of the Ancestors. Apparently Therth created this ring. In secret within his secret Chambers deep under water beneath the Cantons of Vivec. He was creating this ring so all the world will see of his unnatural chaos. He used also this ring to bind others of their mind. So he controlled them. When Vivec found out that Therth had this ring of unnatural power. He banished him but not the ring. The ring was in the waters of Vivec. Therth was banished to Oblivion where he would wait to someone to use the ring to make his return. The Evil Ordinator Waits Lustfully for Revenge. Vivec will pay. The ring after time was getting old and unknowledgeable. Until fishermen of Vivec came to get fish from the waters of Vivec. A fish ate the ring and soon the ring was soon taken to Vivec and soon moved to Suran. Some leftovers were moved to Suran. And some fish were released. But the fish that ate the ring coughed up the ring and remained in the waters for a victim to pick it up.
That is very Lore breaking, I wont go into details on exactly all of it just right now but if you want me to I can.

As far as the story goes... I'm not sure about some of it. He punches the Ordidnator in the chest, and he gets away? And later he is able to just cut his head off? hmmm...
My Art: [url]http://demi-urgic.deviantart.com/[/url]
User avatar
Earl
Developer Emeritus
Posts: 321
Joined: Thu Aug 21, 2003 11:08 am
Location: Dune

Post by Earl »

I seriously don't know how to critique this without it coming across as a flame. It fails on so many levels that I just don't know where to begin.

I'm sorry that I cannot be more helpful, but we're meant to point out lore conflicts and give [usually] minor writing suggestions. Based on this sample, I'd have to say it is beyond the scope of the board to teach basic english skills.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
Salem_Hlaalu
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2005 9:52 am
Location: Balmora

It's Over

Post by Salem_Hlaalu »

For everyone to know what I am going to do is...
I am giving up the story. I know. When some one liked it so much I just started to jot things Down. Then critics showed up. Then It was me and Mr. Spam. (Sorry) I did not mean to. So I am writing my other Book That I am not going to say what the name is. No its not the name I thought Earlier. Thank you for your help everyone. I will use all your advice in my new book.
Locked